you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
