Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
