you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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