my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
