Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
