When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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