I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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