can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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