This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
