ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
