my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
