note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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