Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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