Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
