my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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