singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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