I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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