the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
