true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
