My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
