pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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