I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
