Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
