i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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