I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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