I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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