What did we do last night that was yellow?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
