I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
