if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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