would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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