Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
