Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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