It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
