i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
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You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
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Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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