can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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