you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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