There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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