He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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