Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
