I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
