From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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