I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
