i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
