I think scott just propositioned me for sex
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
