No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
