Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
