How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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