I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
