i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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