If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
