moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
