So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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