If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
