i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
