Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
